Loop

What if video games are an escape from reality? I know I've always heard that before but never really listened to what it meant. What if I can step into this imaginary world for awhile, put another layer of life in between me and the void? What if I could keep doing this in more and more layers, just exist in a game world within a game world within a game world etc. ? What if that's all life is? Just a looping, infinite game world emulation?

Life

I don’t want to grow up. If growing up is seeing the void. 

 

Everyone has a void in them that they seek to fill as you go through life. 

Some start out hungrier than others but as we all age, so does our void; it takes more to fill it so we do what we can. Some of us fill it with religion, some of us fill it with work, some of us fill it with love….or we try to anyway. If that’s what getting old is, then I don’t want to grow up. If I have to see that void grow day after day and not be able to feed it I'll be devastated. What if the void grows and cracks open farther and farther until you're old and all you can see is nothing as you come face to face with it.

Maybe some of us are born seeing the whole void so we're depressed our whole lives. Maybe some of us go through trauma that makes us crack and see the whole void at once and we just get immensely sad because there's nothing there. Nothing! That's the end of the ride. That's the whole show! That's it! There's nothing. You have Nothing to look forward to. 

Once you see that void you don't just see it. You feel it. It permeates you. It lingers. It's a feeling you can't shake because it's in every pore. 

As happy as you wish you were, if you keep looking at the end of the ride, you're never going to be happy. You have to turn your head and look at the now, enjoy the moment and just try to forget where you're headed. You don't need to know, you'll get there either way so just put your head down and be happy with who you are and who you're with. Try to ignore this immense void below the cracking ice that nobody else seems to be able to see. 

Try not to think about yourself as just someone else in this huge line of humanity going through life. Try not to think about making the same mistakes as everyone before you but not realizing it until it's far too late. What if you're just like them? What if you're nothing special? What if the love you thought was sacred with your wife is just going to end up like every other old couple, sad and broken? What if love isn't forever? What if she won't look at you the same way when you're older? 

Then again, what if I'm just crazy? What if nobody else thinks this way because they're being normal and I'm just scared and fucked up? What if I can never get off the ice back onto solid ground?

How do I fill the void? I want to be fulfilled.